in between the rise and fall of my breath
i feel you there
nuzzled into the depths of my chest
i hold you near
the drop falls into my core
its ripples radiating outward
the warmth begets warmth
the flesh forgets flesh
feeling its slow electricity disperse
up through my arm and into my fingertips
down through my thighs and into my toes
all the way to the crown of my head and beyond
i feel you here
i know you are near
and your ripples intertwine
with the wakes left by my own touch
and still, it's not enough
but there is little i would need to fear
forever warm, forever near
there's something about uncertainty,
the way it corrodes like oversteeped coffee
or erodes trust under the rapids' wild frenzy,
and it tends to send me down a focal tunnel
the lengths of which I do not wish to discern
discriminating the internal mental worms
from that which i learned from mother and brother
and the snarling distaste of a disapproving father
let there be no mistake
i wish only to live
to set my soul alight this night
to be a self to give
still, the ghouls and the ravens want their share
scratching and plucking the last of my hairs
robbing me of breath, of fire, of life, of pride
leaviing only death, pyres, strife with no guide
coiled cord wrapped around my finger
twisting, turning, letting your words linger
the sound of your voice falling to the floor
or maybe i'm just not listening anymore
it's hard to tell when it comes on so often
feeling my breathing beginning to soften
my eyes misaligned unscrewed misapprised
tempered member of slender pretender's guise
do you even mean the words that spill on forth
especially when you held the keys to my self-worth
dangled them over my head like an old spinning mobile
that's why i got two lives two homes and two numbers for the mobiles
hand extended disguises the other
learned hypervigilance from my own mother
not from advice or any learning experience
only through trials and hiding what's serious
choking myself from the inside out
windpipe crushed by my own self-doubt
sanguine is the color of the words i speak
languish in anguish from the succor i seek
don't know what i want
but i guess i wanna know
an unthinkable thought
soul tucked in undertow
carve this stabbing thing out from me
i swear it's poisoned and is planting lesions
legions of platelets come to clot
beads of sweat becoming blots
tongue tied in klein bottle knots
intradimensional generational rot
forked mind diverged in two paths
like pork rinds immersed in a rice porridge bath
breathe two three four
don't wanna do it anymore
out six seven eight
let the words reverberate
reaching out is hard to do
still, i'll look up to you
arms extended, prepared for embrace
only for me to fall flat on my face
bitter cynical splintered form
god what i'd give to return to norm
all that i've done and all that i've lost
no pocket change for the ultimate cost
disengaged from Cengage; the student's gone
all that's left is what was wrong
cacophony swells to orchestral highs
ultimate symphony swells just to die
got some thoughts ratt'lin' around my head
six bullet casings spent depositing lead
fire focused through the lens of the dead
thought i had it down but now i'm better in the shed
impressed by your painting
a real deal van gogh
music for the deaf and an eye for the blind
but you got a beat hoe then you stop to wonder why
if you break patterns like your beats
then i guess you'd just be chopped
nah scratch that, reverse it
now it's me that's on top
lights high above cast their gaze
upon the sleepy horde wand'ring in a daze
reflected in the rolling squeaking monstrosity
show me your war face
then grab the fuckin coffee
six bucks a pound for ham
and fifteen on a tin of toffee
the checkout lane is open
no not the distant but the close one
scan the card then flash a smile
escape from jaws of crocodiles
that little green light is flashing now
and the checkout attendant is asking how
old are you anyway and where's the date on this plastic
it's in the bottom right corner; now to stretch the mind elastic
the cold is biting at my hands again
and each gust widens the cracks in my lips
the winds fill the pit in my gut
leaving me fit to rupture
bring that flaming implement to my lips
mechanical precision in this vice of a decision
crackling through my lungs scarring every breath
exhaust fumes fit to suffocate to death
i smoke cigarettes because i want this pain
vaping and pouches just don't feel the same
if you're killing yourself, it should hurt
to make life feel real again
we're all born terminal
we're all born screaming
spend a third of our lives lying back dreaming
the space betwen life and death
we search it for our meaning
play all sorts of silly games to reach up to the ceiling
what's there to survive as one plods on?
achievements fade into the background as potential rears its head over the horizon
that flickering vision hovers, waiting for me to grasp it
it's just a temporary stint anyhow
carve another notch on this belt of indeterminate length
ever so determined to prove my own strength
what i really know is nothing
at least when it comes to the patterns that carry us through the brook
i can only touch what i took
i wonder how long this engine will run
the pressure of normal loaded like a hidden gun
resilient pestilence, opulent reverence
sick of so much but still here for all of it
it's the collapse that makes the shockwave
that moment where potential hangs in the unbalance
teetering on the latter end of chance
bringing destruction in its wake
pressure high, pressure low
smoke pulled into the undertow
filling the gills with ashen vapor
behold the ultimate unmaker
it comes as fast as it goes
this wall of smoke and flame
though it leaves behind not a trace
still, i recall its name
in between breaths, i shudder
mental mantras to return to regular
feel it coursing through my jugular
those aftershocks disrupt the vestibular
seeing the patterns wash away
becoming new fractals, this brain will break
floating ever higher on judgement day
with my quiet heart left on a stake
floating ever higher on judgement day
becoming new fractals, this brain will break
seeing the patterns wash away
those aftershocks disrupt the vestibular
feel it coursing through my jugular
mental mantras to return to regular
in between breaths, i shudder
still, i recall its name
though it leaves behind not a trace
this wall of smoke and flame
it comes as fast as it goes
behold the ultimate unmaker
filling the gills with ashen vapor
smoke pulled into the undertow
pressure high, pressure low
bringing destruction in its wake
teetering on the latter end of chance
that moment where potential hangs in the unbalance
it's the collapse that makes the shockwave
last night i was confronted with an ugly truth
that truth looked just like you
the carrion remains of family ties
the chimera i dreamt of while sleeping dogs lie
could never come forward and tell you
always afraid of seeing you hurt
ever since you had me digging in dirt
i could never quite figure out my use
like you would even believe me
my truths only deceive me, you say
well i don't wanna hear it, you've spoken enough
you've broken enough of me in this life
how am i supposed to find myself
when my self wasn't meant for myself
just an accessory handbag charm
just another rock dangling off your arm
maybe one day, when i'm finally free
you won't have to worry about me
well, is that worry? that expression on your face?
it always looked so close to disdain
distaste, trying to brush it off my tongue
you know i was only so young
you shoulda seen it coming, you shoulda seen the trick
because of you assholes i was left sucking dick
do you even know what that did to me?
the complications and complexes and fear?
would you even care if i told you?
or would you say it was just make-believe?
still you make me hug him
still you make me see
the moment my life turned to a tragedy
still you wanna drone on
telling me family comes first
keep your tears to yourself when i'm lowered in the earth
the smallest thing can send me reeling
anthills become cascading feelings
an avalanche of steady breathing
breathing, breathing; breathe breathing
the bigger things feel like gray
how it feels is hard to say
instead of breath, this avalanche
is born from the wish of carte blanche
this self-reflecting paradox
of which i'm too familiar
brings to my system many shocks
as electric fills the capillar
twisting and turning the thought analysis
serves to set loose the mental paralysis
internal posture turned catatonic
revived by an unspoken tonic
still, it's pending, this rending and bending of my heart
still, it's beating, this fleeting repeating chance for a new start
bad habits die hard
so says the habit preacher
disconnected perfect teacher
acting like they know the part
staged directions without a script
caged protection gives the slip
my jaw cracks when it opens
wish for the slack of endless ocean
there's a twinge deep down in my neck
muscle fibers twist in knots
feeling like a slow-motion car wreck
seeing my end in the inkblots
shoulders slumped down with a neck half cocked
coat's on the chair like a boat left in dock
rising waters around but i've got cold shock
musta pushed my luck hard on the chopping block
my eyes are weary and my feet are sore
tired of limping out through the door
with a beer in my fist and a ciggie in my teeth
i can tell they got my portrait in that place underneath
i'll be seeing you soon, least that's what i tell you
yeah i'll be seeing you real soon, it's what i'm telling you
keep this head on straight
but the lines keep swerving
keep feeling so great
but the goal's always moving
maybe let myself go for just a minute
blinked, now it's gone and i've lost my linkage
sever that tie, cauterize that wound
slow down met with a barbed harpoon
you gotta knuckle down girl
yeah that's the only way
you gotta knuckle down girl
laser focus on the Way
snow blows across the road
starchy powder sticks to my coat
not a cloud in the sky
the plumes stay grounded
brilliance rains from a sliver above the horizon
brilliance warms my weary eyes
radiance serves only to blind
radiance is what i hide behind
shifting, waiting, idling with hands stuffed deep into my pockets
i try to give the hungry wind no quarter
it steals the heat from my finger tips
it leaves my hands cracked
i bring the smoldering tinder to my lips
tastes of dad's belt and mom's disappointment
my lungs wheeze out my exaltation
relieved to be separated
wheat from chaff, show me your purpose
purpose in an absurd careless world
goodberry tucked in heart's fortress
keep out the wind and choke out the tortoise
split that seed in twain
split that seed again and again
my head's always empty when i spend my time with you
i musta poured out the weight holding me down
fill up my cup with more than enough
hold that mug in my hands to warm them up
they can't hurt us when we're together here
the writhing masses of dregs kept at bay
the baying hounds, lapdogs to evil in the flesh
i don't need a gun because i have you
and if they ever hurt you
if they ever try to take you away from here
from this warmth we've created
from this love we share
god knows there's not enough wrath in one body
but you know there's only so much i can do
still i'll lie awake with you
always lying awake with you
in the morning we can have coffee
i'll put the pot on and we can watch it drip slowly
i'll bring out a bag of japanese candy
the kind my mom used to get me
sugar sticks to my teeth and stains my tongue purple
or maybe that's just what you left behind
still waiting for you to come by
so i can treat you again
picture your empty eyes
looking back on what's inside
beams of void shining through
looking at the misconstrued
now you're left hanging there
broken foot without a care
eat the pith and shit it out
bitter fiber caused a rout
its claws dig deep into my back
my breath, caught short, stuck in my neck
bring the dry tinder to my lips
drink deeply of its offerings
blood eagle homunculus
lips swollen and tender to the touch
chimera carrion smolders grotesque
tendril whorls dance burlesque
at 15 i kissed sweet leathermouth
his belt-like tongue reached inside my mind
brought me a peace i didn't know to find
i was just 15
i couldn't keep up
i didn't want his touch
but still i was being called back
back to sweet leathermouth
at 21 i couldn't divorce him from my soul
enveloped by sweet tendrils,
i couldn't leave such an embrace
how could you leave such an embrace?
at 23 i wake up with leathermouth
at 23 he ravages me
at 7:15 he's taking me
leathermouth please let me be
that cracked pebbled tongue
a familiar bumpy road rising to make the fall harder
that old reclining sofa feeling
another trick of smoke and mirrors
my head sinks into the pillow as your alarm rings
the stirring of legs under covers
the draping of arms over torsos
held close but i'm still falling
back asleep
it's a waking dream
being here in warm arms
it's your loving scheme
and i never ever wanna leave
shave down my bark again
to get the sweet treat within
rob me of my essence
boil it down to its quintessence
rejoice in my offerings
but cut me down to size
propeller was my birthright
all synecdoche to my eyes
feeling tapped out feeling drained
cut the tar with your spit i remain
when i'm finally long gone
what will become of my sap?
kevin kitty catty-o
sitting on the patio
watching the cars as they go
watching the softly falling snow
sweet orange kitty catter
with the soft kitty pitty-patter
tuck away your kitty claws
pitter-patter on kitty paws
staring down the barrel of the loaded gun i call my future
cold steel tastes fit to rupture
but i'll never choke on what never comes
jester jeering at the promise of tomorrow
tower toppling at the slightest hint of sorrow
still i bite down hard
catch that bullet between my teeth
that's what i say i'll do
pinch that bullet with pearly gates
it's me alone spinning this fate
catch that bullet between my teeth
doctor says it's what i need
never empty the chamber
just feel the burning from beneath the hot seat
empty is the gun i once called my future
dissolve away the medical sutures
entering a world yet made
pimple poppped with fanfare abound
scab scraped down without a single sound
still there's something pulsing hard
catch that bullet between my teeth
shatter expectations from beneath
i'll commit to self beyond belief
catch that bullet between my teeth
breathing shudders from the heat
do another trick for the treat